


How to Embarrass Your Future Children

by AutumnalWoods



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Time Travel, Crack, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Multi, Probably more characters, Sort Of, at some point, because the timeline pre show is best described as "what - when did that - how was that - wait, better cover all bases, i guess, i'm probably going to swear a lot, screams eternally internally, tbh some of the above may not show up but. . ., the death's of Rin and Obito, the time travel happens between Minato's hokage appointment and
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-13
Updated: 2019-11-27
Packaged: 2020-05-02 12:07:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19198474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AutumnalWoods/pseuds/AutumnalWoods
Summary: When the Konoha Twelve's parents decide time travel sounds like a nice idea, due to the drunken blabber of one Minato Namikaze, they travel to the future to meet their yet to be conceived children(well, minus Itachi and Hana who are already born) and do what parents do best: Embarrass their children.However, upon coming to the future, the previous round of Konoha's Twelve(*cough*Thirteen*cough*) are horrified at the state of things and decide to fix the shit fest that is the future.(Meanwhile the parents, in a stellar display of reasoning, bring along a sad-drunk Orochimaru and a suffering thirteen year old Kakashi - both of which are confused at what they've become.)





	1. Why ninjas and seal masters shouldn't get drunk.

“This - *hic* this Hiraishin it - it’s gonna make me an expert at time-space!” Minato, drunk to the point he was listing dangerously to the right where he held his drink, slurred to his equally drunk friends(excluding his horrified student, Kakashi, who Kushina and Mikoto wrangled in - it’s not like the other Responsible Adults were going to protest something those two did).

“Hnn,” attempted Fugaku, though it sounded more like someone was choking than anything. The Ino-Shika-Cho trio thought this was the most hilarious thing ever and started laughing to the point their faces were turning an alarming shade of red. Tsume was busy sneakily refilling everyone’s glasses.

“No - I mean it Fucky(at this point Fugaku started hissing about how insulted he was while Inoichi made a screaming sort of noise and fell right off his chair) I could probably do the time travel,” Minato continued as steadily as he could, “I think I really could! Now that I think ‘bout it, yeah! Just move that to there and that squiggle to the other squiggle.”

At this point, Kushina(who had spent more time gathering pictures for future blackmail than drinking) started scowling, her hair beginning to float, slowing turning her head toward Minato and saying in a deceptively sweet voice, “What did you just say? I spent weeks teaching you the proper words for all the signs and you call them squiggles? What were doing during our lessons then?”

“Where, or should I say when, would we go?” Mikoto butted in with all the grace she could summon, sensing the incoming doom of the blonde, as getting blood out of her party clothes was a bitch. 

“Oh, oh, I know!” Shouted an inebriated Hizashi. “The moment when the main and branch parts of the Hyuuga Clan were created to shove a kunai in whoever’s idea that was face.” He finished with a beaming smile. Hiashi, shy even when drunk off his ass, only nodded, blushing, while attempting to subtly take the various alcohol bottles from Tsume. 

Tsume, not to be outdone by her teammate’s brother, hollered at a level that made Kuromaru whimper, “When that fucking(she continued to use increasingly terrible curses to the point Hiashi looked a tad bit faint)- where was I again? Oh, yeah! Madara attacked Konoha with the overgrown Fox, so I could kick his ass!”

“I don’t believe it works that way Tsume,” Shikaku said, providing a distraction for Hiashi long enough to pry the bottle from Tsume’s hands. After a long silence, where everyone just stares at him, he asks the age old question, “What?”

“Aren’t you gonna share?” Tsume boomed in his ear.

“The time-travel idea? I don’t think that such a thing would turn out okay - if we went to the past as both Hizashi and you suggested, history would likely be changed and leave us unable to return or we’d mess something up and be unable to return.” 

This lead to a table wide glance(once again excluding Minato’s even more horrified than previously student, whose face read “save me” or perhaps “kill me” depending on the person) before Chouza began, “I’d meet whoever created all-you-can-eat places and hug them.”

“What about our kids?” Mikoto mused whilst leaning forward and resting her chin on her clasped hands.

“What kids there’s only Itachi and Hana?” Fugaku looked truly terrified at the thought of someone having children and him not reacting in a manner befitting the future clan head or that his wife might be pregnant once more without telling.

“Fugaku, we haven’t even had sex since Itachi. Stop worrying,” Mikoto rolled her eyes so hard it hurt and leaned back. “What I mean is all of our future kids. We’re talking about time-travel so theoretically we could go forward as well. Out of us here, disregarding Hizashi and Minato, we’re all going to be clan heads, making heirs sort of necessary. Don’t you want to see what delightful terrors we’ve raised our kids into?”

Kushina and Mikoto, grinned at each other over Kakashi’s head in a way that left the hair raised on the rest of the tables inhabitants, minus Inoichi who was only just getting back up from his earlier encounter with the floor. Tsume, realising that this meant the ability to mess with her unborn child(ren?) and currently four year old daughter, jumped up from her chair and somehow performing an unseen act of acrobatics to get across Shibi, grabbed Minato, “Let’s do it!”

Minato, who at this point was busy making heart eyes at Kushina and having lost the thread of the conversation, gave a question highlighting his status as a genius, “Huh?”

“You said you can do it! Mikoto had the right idea - we can mess with our future children!”

“That’s not what I - ,” unsure whether to smile at the thought of any sort of mischief or frown at the misunderstanding Mikoto began, only to be rolled over by Minato.

“But I don’t know if I can.”

“You said you could - were you lying?” Mikoto’s eyes narrowed(she did not like Minato all that much, mostly due to the bit where she may or may not be a little bit in love with her buddy Kushina as well). This action caused Minato to start sweating like he was wearing winter apparel in the middle of summer whilst in Suna.

“No - No, I ca-can do it.” Giving a bark of laughter Tsume began to physically drag the terrified blond from the bar, everyone else exchanging glances and shrugging before following(or in the case of the still giggling Ino-Shika-Cho trio, staggering - and Kakashi being forced to have a piggyback ride on Kushina). 

“Did no one see me?” A depressed Shibi asked, before paying the enormous tab and attempting to follow.

\-----

At some point, while a sweating Minato was drawing the seal on a huge sheet of paper(which came from a source that Kakashi would be the only one sober enough to remember, though he did not notice as he was having an anxiety attack) and everyone was still chatting and, as Tsume had apparently gotten ahold of some storage seals, drinking straight from the bottle, Orochimaru had wandered over. He had, it should be noted, overheard them in the bar while moping over everyone abandoning him. Orochimaru was also a terribly depressed drunk, prone to crying and accidentally spilling secrets. So, as a sadly sobering Minato finished the seal, Orochimaru was clutching a distressed Kakashi to his chest and wailing something about Sakumo. 

“So, uh, the seal’s finished,” Minato announced, though the end of his statement sounded more like a question. Immediately, in terrifying synchronization, every head twisted towards him.

“Let’s go,” whooped a maniacally grinning Tsume - running over without seeming to notice a longsuffering Shibi held by her arms in a headlock.

As everyone got into position and listened to Minato’s instructions of what they were to do, all Minato could think was, fuck. I hope this works.


	2. Shit hits the fan, or Kushina hits Kakashi the sensei. Either works really.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who commented and/or left kudos. 
> 
> As for my updating schedule I'll try to post every month but I'm very easily distracted and I have college homework to do so. . . 
> 
> Also, I'm not sure if I'm going to go over these things in the story but:
> 
> 1\. Hiashi used to be very like Pre-Shippuden Hinata. In fact, he was, arguably, worse in terms of meekness. He was chosen as clan-head not because of being first born but due to the clan elders ability to puppet him. He ended up less meek outwardly after he became clan head, though he continued to be so. Hiashi blames his meekness for his twin's death and not just going "Raikage can fuck himself," after the ambassador incident. This is why he treats Hinata so harshly; I'm not saying it's right or a real excuse for his behavior, it's just my hc for _why_ he does it. 
> 
> 2\. Danzo did everything. Is it canon or not, I don't care. Starting the third war and disgracing Sakumo? Danzo. Extending Second and Third wars? Danzo. Assisting in Uzushio/Uzumaki clans destruction? Danzo. Orochimaru's crazy? Danzo and a prototype of a new "loyalty" seal for Root agents. Dan's death? Tsunade's fleeing? Yahiko's death? Uchiha massacre? Assassinating Sandaime? Orochimaru killing the Sandaime? Danzo. Kyuubi attack? Danzo told "Madara" so he could get rid of Minato and Kushina(who were investigating him and about to have him arrested - just as soon as Kushina was healed from pregnancy/birth). Hyuuga Incident? Danzo wanted a Hyuuga Root agent, and if that failed to start a war - he had the ambassador killed, did a more permanent version of the Orochimaru-face-switch-thing, hid the original body, sent new face Root to take Hinata, Hiashi killed Root agent, and Raikage was actually honest when he said he had no clue of this, as he really did not order or even imply to do so. Danzo was hoping for a war, but instead the Sandaime had one of the villages top shinobi offed. 
> 
> 3\. The Uchiha clan write bad poetry and wax on and on over their crushes-that-they-obsess-over. Their diaries are full of things like the calculation of the curvature of their crushes ass, which is then converted into the previously mentioned shitty poetry. Older members of the clan were super embarrassed. Uchiha also cannot act sensibly around their crushes. They often act aggressive towards them, because their emotional expressiveness sucks. Like really bad. Looking at you Sasuke.

As usual, it was a very sunny day in Konoha. 

Team 7 was also, as usual, in something of a disagreement where they were on a training ground. One that looks like this: Kakashi standing off to the side(late in arrival and pretending not to notice anything as he reads his Icha Icha for the -nth time), Sasuke being aloof(and sulking), Naruto screaming some sort of a challenge at Sasuke, and Sakura screaming at Naruto for bothering “Sasuke-kun” and attempting to hit him.

This usual series of events was interrupted by a woman’s voice screaming, “I did it! I banged blondie!” 

At the sound of the voice, Kakashi flinched, lowered his book, and started to swivel his head in terror, whilst muttering “No, no, no, she’s dead, she isn’t - ”(he also appeared to be on the verge of hyperventilating).

Then, the origin appeared in Team 7’s line of sight - a woman with vibrant red hair was hurtling toward them at an alarming speed. In the seconds that it took for her to reach them, Kakashi had edged back a good ten feet, sweating like crazy. The unknown woman then clutched Naruto to her chest, causing him to tense and look around in confusion, as she cried out, “I did it! Am I a good parent?”, the last part seemed directed at Naruto.

“Who are you?” Asked an increasingly unsettled Naruto. 

“Wha - Kakashi!” The red head barked at their sensei. “Why doesn’t my child know who I am?!”

Kakashi’s only response was a squeaky, “I forgot you were a sensor.”

“Why won’t you answer my question?” The red head returned with a low growl as her hair began to lift.

“Well, Kushina-nee, the thing is - um - ah - the Sandaime!” A sweaty Kakashi stumbled and blurted. “The Sandaime placed a gag order!” His voice kept to a surprisingly high pitched squeak.

“HE DID WHAT!?!?!?”

\-----

Elsewhere, throughout Konoha:

Asuma Sarutobi suddenly got very bad feeling about the day and looked at the sky, just in case there was a hawk.

There was not.

Ino, Chouji, and Shikamaru briefly paused their sparring, looked around, at which point they simultaneously muttered, “Troublesome.”

\-----

Kurenai startled and looked around. Kiba, Hinata, and Shino (and, of course, Akamaru) all shivered while sparring, though did not otherwise react. 

\-----

Gai and Lee were too busy being focused on sparring to even note the atmosphere.

Tenten and Neji, on the other hand, paused their activities, while they looked around.

\-----

In ANBU headquarters:

Every person who had served in ANBU pre-Kyuubi attack turned their heads around and murmured, in eerie synchronization, “It can’t be. . .”

\-----

At some sort of council meeting:

All the clan heads and elders froze, trying to remember why that feeling was familiar.

Except for Danzo, who started to sweat through his bandages, and the Sandaime, who felt a terrible feeling of doom as chills shot up his spine. 

For some reason, the only thing they could think was “Shit, shit, shit. We’re gonna die.”

\-----  
Meanwhile, where the time travel seal landed them:

Everyone was puking their guts out in nearby bushes, except for Mikoto(who had pulled a video camera out of seemingly nowhere), Orochimaru(who, in a fashion true to a teammate of Tsunade, just drank some more from bottles he also found from seemingly nowhere), and Kakashi(who had a rather horrified and disgusted look on his face).

\-----

Back to our regularly scheduled program with Team 7:

Sasuke and Sakura, in an extremely rare moment of camaraderie, exchanged slightly terrified glances. Naruto watched on in awe as a woman who insisted he refer to her as “mom”, reduced his sensei to a ball of sobbing bruises in under three minutes. 

“So cool,” Naruto breathed out. Sasuke and Sakura looked at him in disbelief.

The red-haired terror (as Sakura was mentally referring to her as) continued to beat and scream at Kakashi for another 15 minutes, before a voice called out from the other side of the field, “KUSHINA, WHY ARE BEATING - is that Kakashi?”

When Team 7 and Kushina(Kakashi just twitched on the ground) turned to see who it was, Team 7’s jaws dropped and then shouted, “Lord Fourth?!”

The blond hurtling toward them( while being followed by a rather large group with mostly familiar faces) stumbled, tripped, and tumbled ass over tea-kettle to roll to a stop, sitting on his rear before dazedly saying, “I become the Yondaime?”

“Never mind that - look what we made!” Kushina grinned proudly gesturing grandly to Naruto. 

“Wha. . . ? The Yondaime’s my dad? I - What?” Naruto was looking around confused.

(In the background, the Uchiha woman, who Sasuke was roughly 80% certain was his mother but younger and with short hair, muttered, “Dammit.”

One of the identical Hyuugas - that is the one that wasn’t hunched over himself - patted her on the back. “I know right.”

The Uchiha man, who Sasuke was 90% certain was his father, scowled at Kushina and muttered, “Fuck.” 

This left Sasuke a very confused individual.)

Then, Kushina’s face twisted, her hair floating and an aura of “MURDER!!!” surrounding her, “And you guys are never going to believe this. . .”

What followed that was something roughly equivalent to four pages of ranting, explanations of most of the future she had somehow wrangled out of Kakashi while beating the shit out of him, swearing, and threats and insults of alarming levels to the entire populace of Konoha, with special emphasis on her friends and the village elders. By the end of her rant the group behind Minato was sweating in fear, horror, and guilt. 

“Is now a bad time to mention the Hyuuga incident and Uchiha Massacre?” A rather ragged Kakashi asked, glancing terrified at Kushina.

The two Hyuugas and two Uchihas turned their heads to look at him and stare blankly, then in eerie unison: “What?”

“I realize that this is very important, but how are we going to distinguish between our future selves and us with names?” Questioned what appeared to be a mini-Kakashi in a monotone from where he was being clung to by what appeared to be a sobbing drunk and still drinking Orochimaru. 

Kakashi the sensei stared.

Kakashi the small version stared back. 

“Oh, no, not me the little bastard. What did I do to deserve this?” Kakashi the sensei wailed suddenly.

“Being late. To. Every. Single. Thing.” Naruto growled out.

“Reading those - those - those perverted books.” Sakura spluttered as a vein began to pop on her forehead.

“Hn.” Sasuke uttered, which in Uchiha meant “what they said.”

“Perverted books? Do you mean that Icha Icha series that sensei writes?” Asked a baffled Minato (who had told Naruto to call him dad during a particularly intense series of swears in Kushina’s tirade, something that Sasuke and Sakura had not, in fact, missed). 

“It’s quality literature!” Kakashi defended, while clutching the orange covered book to his chest.

Kakashi the mini whimpered. Orochimaru stood (sort of - it was more of a tilted lean-on-Kakashi), slurring out, “Just like his mom - she was always reading porn to scandalize the populace,” before bursting into even harder tears and muttering about everyone he loves dying or abandoning him. Kakashi the mini whimpered louder.

“He has a point though. We do need to separate ourselves from our future selves.” A large, male version of Ino announced thoughtfully, while tall and scarred Shikamaru, red-haired and rougher Chouji, older female Kiba, some guy who looked kinda like an older Shino, and maybe Fugaku nodded in agreement. 

“Well, since I’m DEAD, and so is Minato, that won’t be a problem for us,” growled out a scowling Kushina, while Minato suddenly looked morose.  
“Or Fugaku, or Mikoto, or Hizashi,” muttered Kakashi.

“What.” Stated the aforementioned people.

“Well, you see. . .” Kakashi the sensei nervously explained just what, exactly, the Hyuuga incident and Uchiha massacre entailed.

Mousy twin Hyuuga started shaking and crying, most of the group standing around in shock. Then, “This is your fault!” snarled Mikoto towards Fugaku. 

“What?! How is it my fault?!” 

“I trusted you to look after Itachi; clearly you fucked that up royally!”

“Well, maybe you could be, I don’t know, MORE INVOLVED IN HIS UPBRINGING?!” 

“Well, maybe you shouldn’t have let the clan practically force your fifteen year old wife to have a baby!”

“I wasn’t even seventeen! You think I could have done ANYTHING?! Father never would have - ”

“I don’t care! You could have done something, anything!” Shouted Mikoto with tears rolling down her cheeks.

The rest of the group looked on in unease. Mousy twin Hyuuga, who Team 7 supposed must be Hiashi, hiccuped in a whisper, “I should have done something, then Hizashi - then Hizashi,” unable to get anymore out between his sobbing.

“We can fix this.” Kushina straightened up from her shock, a determined expression taking over her face as she squared her shoulders. “First, we straighten out the name thing, then we beat the shit out of your future selves and the elders, then we _fix this_.”

The entire group, Team 7 and Kakashi the sensei included for some reason, nodded their heads in agreement.

“Our Kakashi should be Kashi-kun.” Stated Minato, while Kashi-kun looked at him in horror.

“I should be FAILURE,” wailed out Hiashi, in the loudest voice anyone had ever heard from him, causing them to jump in shock.

“No,” Hizashi, breaking from the shock of knowing his death. “You’ll be Hiashi the better. Because you will be. You can be.” Hiashi the better looked to his brother in astonishment before giving him a watery smile and zooming over to cling to Hizashi in a hug.  
“Best Tsume and Best Kuromaru,” barked out a manically grinning Best Tsume with Best Kuromaru barking agreement. “Shibi will be Best Shibi, ‘cuz otherwise he’ll pick a boring name.” Shibi, knowing it would likely be true, just nodded in agreement.

“You know what? Chouza, Shikaku, and I will also be, Best Chouza, Best Shikaku, and Best Inoichi,” an amused Inoichi stated. Best Chouza and Shikaku exchanged glances and shrugged their agreement. 

“Hey, since I’m supposedly a traitor, can I be Not-traitor Orochimaru?” A wavering Orochimaru stumbled his drunken way closer to the rest of the group (he and Kashi-kun had been behind the others) before tripping over air and gripping Mikoto to stay vaguely upright.

“Well, since that’s settled, let’s go beat people up.” Mikoto, still fuming from her argument with Fugaku, snarled out.

“Mom?” A wide-eyed Sasuke breathed out.

Mikoto startled, finally noticing a third member of Team 7. She stared for a minute, then, “You’re my son, not just Itachi?” 

Sasuke’s face twisted with confusion and grief, while Kakashi nodded in the background. 

“Oh.”

Fugaku perked up, “Did I do a better job with you?”

Sasuke’s face twisted up further, unable to figure out the right answer (he loved his father - he knew that - but was his father a good one with him? Better to him then Itachi? He just didn’t know how to answer that.). Kakashi shook his head behind Sasuke.

Fugaku slumped over, a depression cloud worthy of Hashirama appearing over his head.

“Well, I know we came back to meet our future children, but we should really go beat up everyone now.” Kushina began making beckoning motions towards the rest of the group.

The entire group then bounded off. 

“Should we report this to the Hokage?” A worried Sakura asked Kakashi.

Kakashi stared off into the distance. “No. He’ll know soon enough. Any warning would no reach him in time.”

\-----

Back at the council meeting:

The Sandaime suddenly got the feeling he was going to loose his hat. And maybe his head.

Danzo was sitting a giant puddle of sweat.

The rest of the council felt as though they needed to run far, far away.


	3. Shibi is actually terrifying - also one of the best parents, like really, this dude is awesome

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to all the readers.
> 
> Also, I added the rape/non-con tag just in case, even if it didn't happen in the fic, the argument Fugaku and Mikoto had last chapter kind of sounds as though there was marital rape, maybe? I'm not sure but I thought that I should put it in, just in case.
> 
> Also, more hc time:
> 
> 1\. In a rather unfortunate(and hilarious) series of events, Fugaku never got the talk. The academy didn't(and doesn't) cover it, his parents assumed his sensei would do it, and his sensei assumed that an uchiha clan member would do it. This meant no one ever actually told him. Fugaku viewed any sort of books that covered such topics as, to say the least, uncouth. Mikoto knew about this and never told him either. This leads to:
> 
> 2\. When Kushina heard about the clan elders pretty much forcing Mikoto to have sex and get pregnant, she lost her temper. No one died, but many family jewels were lost, never to be useful again. Including Fugaku's. Leading into:
> 
> 3\. Itachi and Sasuke aren't actually Fugaku's. Mikoto asked Hizashi to do her a favor, pretty please, with a cherry on top, and then she ended up with Itachi. She was, as previous mentioned, fifteen when pressured to bear a child, so she thought her only slightly older(and _really_ oblivious) husband would make a much better parent, especially since she refused to stop being active duty until she made jounin(though Kushina was being her baby's godmother, screw the clan elders). Seeing how Itachi turned out by age four from Fugaku's shit parenting skills, as well as knowing that she would be unable to do anything for Itachi as he was clan heir and the elders already saw his skill, and wanting a do-over-in-parenting baby, she went back to Hizashi, asking for another favor to help her make baby number two. Hizashi agreed, so came baby Sasuke.
> 
> 4\. Mikoto really did want to be a better parent for Sasuke than her failure with Itachi; however, the Kyuubi attack happened. Mikoto was In Love with Kushina. She even tried to get custody of Naruto, though the Sandaime refused her. The grief left her a shell of who she once was. She did try with Sasuke but she spent most her time in her own head, grieving. After all, Uchiha's have never been the best with grief.
> 
> (Like, damn, get some fucking therapists and shit)
> 
> 5\. Mikoto has the mangekyo sharingan. It involved a really bad training incident where she thought she had killed Kushina, though she rather obviously didn't. This training incident happened when they were still genin.
> 
> 6\. Hizashi, Mikoto, and Kushina were a genin squad with Sakumo Hatake as their sensei. The three were chuunin at the time of Sakumo's suicide, and had been away on a long mission throughout the entire debacle; they returned to news of their sensei's death.
> 
> 7\. Orochimaru and Sakumo were an Item. Orochimaru had also been on a long term mission beforehand; he returned the day Sakumo had committed suicide. He found Kakashi in a pool of his father's blood, so out of it he doesn't remember Orochimaru being the one to find him and take him to the hospital. Or even know that Orochimaru was the one to report Sakumo's death.

“HIRUZEN SARUTOBI!!!” Bellowed multiple eerily familiar voices, silencing the sweating and stuttering elder that had been trying to carry on with the meeting (despite most all of the other participants shifting uneasily and glancing about, plotting their escapes).

 

At this point, one of the windows to the left of the Sandaime shattered, followed by the rest of the left facing windows, causing Hiruzen to turn warily and make as though to grab a weapon (in the background, one of the council members - specifically, the financial departments representative - whimpered out “the windows. . . the _cost_ of those windows. . .”).

 

Then he saw the blood red hair in a blur that could only belong to - “Kushina?!” was all he could say, baffled, before he was picked up by his lapels and lifted into the air so Kushina could snarl in his face. 

 

“YOU - !”

 

“Wait.” A quiet and horrified Better Hiashi started, staring at Danzo with his Byakugan in terror and disgust. “H-He h-has th-the _Sharingan_ !” His pointer finger trembled as he pointed it at Shimura. “And - and his arm is all weird and - and- oh-oh- my-my by the gods those are - that is - _he has at least nine Sharingan in his arm!_ ”

 

The group-that-burst-through-the-windows (which the increasingly shocked clan heads realized were them and their deceased friends and family) turned their heads to stare at Danzo, Hizashi grimly stating, “Hiashi’s right,” whilst staring at Danzo with his activated Byakugan. Mikoto, Kushina, Minato, and Best Shika-Ino-Cho (also future Shika-Ino-Cho) had put two and two together and come to the following conclusion, growled out by a snarling Kushina as she dropped the Sandaime: 

 

“ _You_ orchestrated Itachi-kun’s murder spree.”

 

Danzo, in a moment of stupidity and loose-lips that he had not done together on such a scale in years (he was hoping no one remembered the incident with the rest of Tobirama’s students and that Uchiha bar with particularly strong alcohol), “It was an extermination of a hostile force, the spoils of which were then used for the benefit of Konoha. Fuu, Torune, kill them.”

 

Unfortunately, for Danzo anyway, the Sandaime said the damning words, “I ordered you to disband ROOT after Orochimaru,” before Fuu and Torune had a chance to move.

 

This had the following effects: Fuu and Torune, believing that ROOT was actually legal and Hokage sanctioned (being two of the only not completely brainwashed of the organization), froze, unsure of the appropriate actions; Shibi, furious that he had lost his beloved nephew (practically his son) and nearly his actual son and heir over an illegal organization, just believing that Danzo had been telling the truth, sicked his hive on the man; Orochimaru, and most of the Bests, asked “what about me/Orochimaru?”; Kushina and Minato were both wavering over whether to beat up Danzo the shitbag or the Hokage; the clan heads were in shock (minus the enraged Shibi and an increasingly angry Inoichi) because even Shikaku hadn’t seen that coming; Inoichi was, as previously mentioned, becoming increasingly irate as he knew there was only one “Fuu” the man could be talking about and his sister’s son was declared dead years ago; the Sandaime was approximately three seconds from whipping out his Enma-staff and beating Danzo to death with it, as he recognized the names as well; Koharu and Homura, knowing about the massacre and their part in it, became even sweatier; Fugaku and Mikoto, in a moment of unison rarer than that of post-massacre Sasuke smiling, were frozen in a trembling rage; and Team 7(who had arrived when Hiashi made his announcement, and everything following it, but remained unnoticed because of the bit where there were y’know, _younger versions of the clan heads and dead friends and family_ ) were a mixed bag. Kakashi, who had always had a suspicion that his former subordinate hadn’t acted on his own (he did not know about fake Madara, of course), was grimly satisfied at the confirmation. Sakura had her hands clasped over her mouth, which was gaping in horror, and crying over the massacre. Naruto, having no clue about this ROOT business, was extremely sad and angry for Sasuke and the Uchiha clan(Naruto had fond memories of some rather amusing pranks, that he was caught but never punished, that he played on them). Sasuke, however, saw red (he had dedicated his life to revenge, no matter the cost, to kill the brother he hated, ~~that he loved more than anything, who cared, who took care of him when father ignored him, and mother was in her own world~~ \- ). 

 

As Sasuke lunged towards Danzo, the man crumpled, dead and withered.

 

As everyone stared at the now corpse in shock, a quiet and monotone voice said, “My bad, I was just very angry.” 

 

Every head turned to stare at Shibi with gaping mouths.

 

“Well,” coughed a Hiruzen that was nervously edging away from Kushina, “Why don’t we discuss other matters - like why there are dead people here - while Ibiki and the others in T&I _investigate_ Danzo and the ROOT agents heads?”

 

“I will accompany my nephew.” The still monotone Shibi stated.

 

“Okay. You just - do whatever you want to.” A nervous Hiruzen agreed, looking at Danzo’s rather raisen-like body.

 

Shibi dipped his head as the still nervous and confused Fuu and Torune were herded out by ANBU and Ibiki saluted the Hokage as he picked up Danzo’s corpse and swung it over his shoulder.

 

“Now, let’s have a nice discussion shall we?” A psychotically smiling Kushina asked the room as she cracked her knuckles.

 

\-----

 

Like, thirty minutes later:

 

“Aww, I don’t see why dad wouldn’t let us stay,” Naruto whined. “Mom was so COOL. Beating up jiji like that-! So Awesome.”

 

A shell-shocked Sakura showed no response, as she had remained since she had been since the massacre truth had been revealed (of course, watching the legendary Sandaime get his ass handed to him by Naruto’s mom wasn’t helping . . .).

 

Kakashi, not wanting to anger either of Naruto’s parents further, said nothing, starting to sweat again at the thought of Naruto trying to _emulate his mother_.

 

Sasuke was - well. He was about as well as someone who had just met his dead parents-but-younger, found out his brother had done that on orders, not to “prove his strength” (and Sasuke was going to figure what the fuck that was about - just. Later. Now he likely needed to go to the hospital considering he seemed to be having a minor seizure), the man responsible for said orders had Sasuke’s rage and get-revenge feelings transferred to, and then the man was turned into a dried fruit-resembling corpse by Shino’s dad of all people. 

 

Then, Team 7 noticed something strange: the streets were almost empty and the few people were clustered together and whispering.

 

\-----

 

The reason for this behavior was something like this:

 

Some of nearby shinobi had been curious as to what the screaming was about (also about the broken windows, but going through closed windows wasn’t the strangest thing shinobi who had just returned from a mission had done, so it was more an afterthought than anything), they went to the Tower, were the administrative shinobi were sure to tell them them newest gossip.

 

Danzo’s corpse and the two ROOT agents had already been dragged to T&I, during which an assistant to someone important asked what was happening.

 

This person was then told the bare bones of what was going on - including that there were _dead war heroes present_! - and that person went to the mission room and told the shinobi there.

 

This information had then spread to most of the rest of Konoha’s shinobi population in about ten minutes. Which meant that the information spread to Konoha’s civilian population.

 

The civilian population that were old enough then had a near collective “oh shit” moment when they remembered how they treated Naruto _Uzumaki_ \- who had to be some sort of relation to Kushina Uzumaki, the terrifying redhead obsessed with the idea of family. The civilians, in a terrified timely maneuver that would have made an invading force scratch their heads at an abandoned Konoha, hid in the shelters for war and other disasters.

 

The Academy staff, seeing this behavior, assumed that this was either an unannounced drill or that the sirens had not been sounded for an actual issue. This meant that staff quietly and hurriedly rushed the students into the shelters as well. 

 

The shinobi population decided that the news in question was exceptionally good, really, Konoha’s kind of gone to shit if you think about it. This meant that most of the shinobi went “fuck it” and went to get completely drunk in celebration.

 

The few people that were still around either had yet to be informed, or were unable to party for whatever reason and telling the uninformed.

 

Rather singularly, Ichiraku Ramen was open, with Teuchi and Ayame busying themselves with making lots of ramen. Because this was good news for them, civilians though they were. Teuchi remembered Kushina (and Minato - he may have never so much as suggested it to his family, but he knew who Naruto’s parents were, despite having never been told) with her love for ramen; and even more so - when she was on a rampage she got hungry, so always came for her favorite right afterwards. Naruto, he guessed, would also come for ramen. So Teuchi had turned to Ayame and told her they were going to make an extreme amount of ramen today. After all, what the Uzumaki family didn’t eat, those Hyuuga’s definitely would.


	4. Meanwhile with the Akatsuki. Also, Kushina's in charge now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again thanks for the comments/kudos.
> 
> Sorry this took so long, but I just had to write two essays for two of my classes. Which was. Yeah. Also, the one teacher expects us to spend at least nine hours a week working on her class shit. 
> 
> Just what the fuck.

Elsewhere, at the Akatsuki headquarters, around the same time Kushina started ranting to the Time Travelers:

 

“For the final time, Hidan we will _not_ -” Pein was telling off Hidan for some escapade or another involving copious amounts of dead bodies and something about mass conversion to Jashinism, when “Tobi” tripped and fell from where he was flitting about in the background. This in itself was not entirely rare - the sudden tone change and swearing in a manner that made Hidan jealous was, however. 

 

“Sorry! Tobi had a sudden bad feeling!” “Tobi” blurted in his regular manner. 

 

“Really? I had this sudden craving for the candy Auntie Kushina used to give to me.” Itachi stated. Kisame spun to look at him.

 

“Kushina? As in Kushina Uzumaki? The Red Hot Blooded Habenero? The Red Demon? _That_ Kushina?” As the questions went on Kisame became more and more panicked looking and sweating. Kakuzu was now paying very much attention, and he looked slightly panicked as well. 

 

“Yes? She was my godmother. She used to give me this nice candy and hand me back to my father and grandparents when I had reached the short period of time before the sugar rush.” Itachi blinked slowly at his ~~lover~~ Akatsuki partner in bafflement.

 

“Your godmother?” Kisame looked near tears at this point (in the background, while no one was paying attention to him, Obito - I mean Tobi, yeah definitely meant Tobi - had a minor panic attack because that was the feeling he always got right before Kushina went on a rampage) and Kakuzu was twitching while staring off into the distance like he was having flashbacks.

 

“Yes, though admittedly I had not heard of her being called “The Red Demon” before.” Itachi continued to stare at the panicking Kisame, while being aware of “Madara” appearing having some sort of seizure in the corner. 

 

“She killed the Sandaime Mizukage. And the then daimyo of Water. And their most important and oldest councillors. And all their guards. And any possible witnesses. And three of the seven swordsmen at once a few months after that. And other than the seven swordsmen, no one has ever proved any of the deaths were actually done by her.” Kakuzu said in a strange tone of voice, still staring into the distance while Kisame shook like a Chihuahua and Itachi blinked slowly at him. 

 

“Did you meet Auntie Kushina?” Itachi stated his question, while the other members of the Akatsuki were starting to feel an approaching storm cloud of Doom. 

 

“Yes,” Kakuzu whimpered. Actually whimpered, causing everyone to do a double take. Hidan started choking in shock. ( ~~Obito~~ Tobi continued his panic attack in the corner, having a sudden really bad feeling and wondering just how far Orochimaru was in completing the Edo Tensei technique.) “I kidnapped her for her bounty once. She was worth more alive than dead, so I just knocked her out, tied her up, and went on my way. Then, she woke up.” Now Kakuzu had joined Kisame in shaking like a Chihuahua. “I think she was reading those terrible romance novels, because she thought I was trying to - that I-” Kakuzu had to take some deep breaths to stave off his panic attack. “That I wanted to be her _lover._ She was insane. She got out of those ropes and can after me. Then, the boyfriend showed up. Minato Namikaze. They had briefly broken up shortly before I grabbed her or something. They chased me for _days_. Eventually, they got back together while going after me and I spent a decade hiding in Earth country. It was worse than what Mito Uzumaki Senju did to me when I tried to assassinate her husband.” At this point, Kakuzu just slid down underneath the table the Akatsuki were at for their meeting and commenced his panic attack. 

 

Kisame was still sweating and at this point had quite a large puddle under him. Hidan grinned and turned to Itachi, “This chick sounds awesome. What happened to her?”

 

“The Kyuubi no Kitsune personally speared her with one of it’s claws. The only other person to have been treated to this was the Fourth Hokage, my godfather.” At this point, Hidan pouted, miffed that a potential convert was dead; Deidara just about shat bricks when he heard _the Yellow-fucking-Flash_ was the damn Uchiha’s godfather - and come to think of it, hadn’t the old fart Onoki ranted about how they were never ever go near anyone with the name Uzumaki?; Pein and Konan exchanged glances; Zetsu shifted uncomfortably; and Sasori started twitching. 

 

“Her.” Sasori suddenly spat. “I remember her. She took out all my puppets with her wretched chains of chakra, once.”

 

“Chains of chakra?” A nervous sounding Deidara asked.

 

“Adamantine Sealing Chains. They were an Uzumaki clan specialty, prior to Iwa and Kiri wiping the residents of Uzushio out. Auntie used them to render the Kyuubi immobile while Uncle sealed it.” Itachi explained.

 

The storm cloud of Doom suddenly felt a lot stronger.

 

Tobito continued to have his panic attack in the corner.

  
  


\-----

 

Hours Later, Back in Konoha:

 

“So then, I said to -” Naruto was in the middle of explaining some story or another to the Ichiraku’s, while the rest of Team 7 continued their issues while eating ramen, when he noticed someone walking down the street towards them. “Mom!” He shouted, beaming. 

 

“My baby!” Kushina went from a leisurely pace to _right there_ , causing Sakura and Sasuke to have minor heart attacks and Teuchi to start to put her regular order together. 

 

“Mom, why are you wearing Jiji’s robes? And the hat?” Naruto asked his mother in confusion once he noticed she was wearing the Hokage’s regalia. 

 

“I’m the Hokage now.” She stated with a saccharine smile (Kakashi, Sasuke, and Sakura sort of just. Trembled. This bitch was terrifying.) “Now, let’s have some ramen as a family, hmm?”

 

At this point, a hovering Minato was noticed behind her. He waved to the five people in the Ramen stand. Teuchi began to put his order together. 

 

So, the Uzumaki-Namikaze family and the poor, traumatized members of Team 7 ate ramen while Kushina showed that Naruto’s loud mouth was, in fact, genetic. She was clearly trying to explain how it was decided she was the Hokage, but she kept going off on distracted tangents; meanwhile, Minato and Naruto just stared at her dreamily and in awe, respectively. Sakura decided she really, _really_ hoped that no one told the red haired woman how she treated Naruto. 

 

“Oh - can you four gather the kids of my friends, the Bests? I just remembered that I was supposed to have that done.”  Kushina suddenly blurted, sitting straighter.

 

“Sure thing, mom!” Naruto bounced in his seat, grinning the same grin as his mother. Minato started cooing.

 

 _Does he even know who the kids are?_ Team 7 thought.

 

\-----

 

Meanwhile, at the Hyuuga clan compound:

 

Hizashi was dressed as Hiashi. The elders were screaming. (Better Hiashi and regular Hiashi were just staring at each other in the Hokage’s office.) The caged bird seal was approximately one hour away from becoming extinct. The branch house members were watching the systematic takedown in awe. 

 

With their respective teams, Hinata and Neji suddenly felt a lot happier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will probably involve the world leaders and will definitely involve the kids meeting the younger versions of their parents. Rock Lee and Tenten come with for moral support. 
> 
> Will we ever find out what happened to the Sandaime? When will the Akatsuki meet the scary lady? How will definitely-not-Obito react to seeing Minato and Kushina? Tune in next time for: the Shinobi and the Shitheads chapter 5.


	5. Meet the Parents. Well. Younger Parents?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The kids meet the younger parents (minus Neji, as Hisashi is still kicking ass and taking names in the Hyuuga compound). 
> 
> Also, the reactions around the world.

Later On, in the Hokage’s Office:

 

Neji was aware, peripherally, that he was in shock. After Team 7 had shown up to his Team’s practice, along with Teams 8 and 10, and dragged him to the Hokage’s office, he had found out that several people had traveled back in time. A cheerful and batshit insane red-haired woman - who was, for an unspecified reason, wearing the Hokage’s regalia - explained something about wanting to meet their children. 

 

After she remembered to introduce herself as Kushina Uzumaki, she told Neji, “you’re dad’s here but he’s currently fixing the Hyuuga.” Whatever that meant, before she sat behind the Hokage’s desk to do a truly daunting pile of paperwork. The Very Loud, Not-To-Be-Approached kid that Hinata stalked(Naruto?) was sitting next to her grinning the same grin and asking quiet(?!) questions. The Yondaime was standing to the side, somehow managing to have a I-Am-A-Proud-Parent and lovingly besotted at the same time while looking at them.

 

Meanwhile, a younger Hiashi was acting remarkably like Hinata, though he was ringing his hands instead of poking his fingers. The elder Hiashi was standing to the side looking very uncomfortable, while also wearing someone else’s shirt and pants. Hinata was standing next to her father(s) behaving like the younger. Hanabi, who was next to Hinata, kept slowly looking at the other three in a circle(or triangle - that bit wasn’t important).

 

The two Tsume’s, Kiba, Hana(all four were disturbingly gleeful), Lee(who was excited about all the Youth), and Tenten(who was just baffled, to  be honest) were watching the two Chouza’s have an arm wrestling match. 

 

The two Shikaku’s were, along with Shikamaru, getting reamed out by Yoshino for one thing or another. The younger Inoichi and Ino(the elder Inoichi had left with Shino and Gai after telling Ino what was going on) were watching this with delight.

 

“Chip?” A voice asked next to Neji. He turned his head to stare at a concerned looking Chouji. Who was holding out a chip.

 

“Sure. Thank you.” Neji gently grabbed the chip and nibbled on it. While staring out the window, still in shock, in the back of his mind - in true Hyuuga fashion - thought _I’m going to marry him._

 

\-----

Several levels below the Hokage’s Office, in T&I:

 

“. . . and that is why Youth is truly the Spirit . . .” Inoichi grinned as Gai spoke to the horrified and shocked baby ROOT agents, somehow managing to completely steam roll over their How To Not Have Emotions training. One pale haired kid - Shin - had grabbed onto his “brother” Sai, holding his hands over the baffled child’s ears. 

 

\-----

 

Elsewhere, also in T&I:

 

As Fuu watched, Torune, Shibi, and Shino had a touching and beautiful reunion. (Ibiki, having not been able to take the view, went to his office to cry.)

 

\-----

 

In the plane where the Bijuu meet up, at approximately the same time as when the Bests arrived:

 

“ _ **FAKE-MADARA!!!**_ ” An enraged - and complete(the Shinigami was feeling rather baffled as to where that half of the Kyuubi went to) - Kurama bellowed out, making his siblings collectively shit themselves. He also managed to completely break Isobu out of his Sharingan-induced genjutsu.

 

(In short: The tailed beasts cannot exist, as a whole, in more than two places. The Kyuubi no Kitsune  in Kushina, as he was whole, had his “physical” body transferred into Naruto, though he kept his post-attack mind. This meant his two halves were once more joined. Kushina and Minato had already figured out that this is what had happened while on the walk to Ichiraku’s.)

 

\-----

 

In Kiri, same time:

 

Yagura, who had been glaring at his counselors like a creep, sneezed an unfairly cute kitten sneeze. The counselors, who had yet to stop shitting themselves from the beginning of the meeting, started to sweat.

 

Suddenly, Yagura shook his head, frowning. Then, his face transformed into a look of horror before he bolted out the door.

 

The counselors exchanged nervous glances.

 

(Yagura was already at Mei’s house banging on her door. “Mei! Mei, help! Some creep put me under a genjutsu!”

 

Mei, who answered the door, was internally gleeful at being proved right. She couldn’t wait to rub it in Ao’s face.)

 

\-----

 

In Iwa and Kumo, same time:

 

A frowned, a chill creeping up his spine. He tossed his weights to the side and folded his arms while squinting his eyes.

 

In his office, Onoki suddenly felt a burst of terror. The last time he had felt that particular brand of terror, he had been informed the Yellow-Flash was in his office and fornicating with the Red Hot Blooded Habanero. 

 

The rest of Iwa also felt a burst of Terror.

 

\-----

 

Somewhere in Wind Country, same time:

 

Traitor Orochimaru, who had been watching the death of the Kazekage rather gleefully, also being very proud of Kimimaro, jolted at the feeling of horror that flashed through him. It was the same feeling of when that bastard Jiraiya had told her that Orochimaru had been the one to eat her super-secret stash of candy. (It was Jiraiya that ate it.)

 

\-----

 

Actually in Suna, same time:

 

Gaara stumbled as he walked through the streets. Mother had just went strangely quiet and - whimpered?

 

\-----

 

Anyway, back to Konoha and the present time:

 

Naruto was so excited! His mom was awesome! She answered his questions and was the Hokage now! He sort of wondered where Jiji was but decided Mom was more important. (His dad. Well. He seemed nice? The Yondaime was his hero, but. His _dad_ had been the one to seal the Kyuubi into him. The reason he was the village pariah.)

 

 _I wonder if she’ll teach me how to do those awesome chains! Or some other super secret clan techniques!_ He thought to himself.

 

Naruto, unable to contain his excitement any longer, blurted out, “I want to be just like you, Mom!”

 

(In the corner of the room, Kakashi burst into tears. 

 

“There, there, Kakashi. It’ll be alright.” Best Orochimaru cooed, rubbing his back. Kashi-kun had taken on a thousand-yard stare. Sakura looked like she was contemplating jumping out the nearest window.)

 

\-----

 

In the Hospital:

 

“Lord Sandaime! What is the matter? Do you need - ?!” A nurse was fluttering next to the Sandaime’s bedside, with other nurses hovering in the background.

 

A weeping Sandaime managed to blabber out, “I don’t have to do anymore paperwork!” Then, he continued to cry in relief. The nurses stared at him incredulously.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up: The Akatsuki meet Kushina, Mikoto sets Zetsu on fire, and Jiraiya rooms with his Sensei.


	6. Going On A Trip To Beat up Shit or the Akatsuki comes again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was feeling inspired today, I guess.
> 
> Also, a week off school!!!

In Konoha, a couple days later: 

 

“I love you so much!!!” Kushina wailed out whilst clutching an equally sobbing Naruto to her in a hug. “I’ll be back before you know it, believe it!” 

 

In the background, Team 7 tried very hard to hide their relief that Kushina was leaving(Sasuke, though put out that his parents were also leaving, was far too relieved that Naruto’s mom was going out of the village. The fact that the purpose of their mission was to bring Itachi back smoothed things over even more.) 

 

“Now, Best Orochimaru, remember: keep The Ethics Rulebook for the Long-Time Ninja with you at all times and take whatever the Shikaku’s say into account,” Minato instructed Interim-Hokage Best Orochimaru, the only one in the village dumb enough and of age to take the job, while both Kushina and Minato were on their mission. “Also, seeing as the genin teams from Suna will arrive soon, if we aren’t back at that time, do not take meetings with any of them. From what I have gathered, you haven’t physically changed much and the last thing we need is them thinking a missing nin pulled a successful coup-d'etat.”

 

“This is the third time you alone have told me this,” an increasingly irritated Orochimaru started to eye Minato in a particularly murderous fashion. Kashi-kun, who had been rebuffed in his attempts to go along with his sensei, stood next to Best Orochimaru, pouting as befitted his age(for once). Kakashi had not been seen since Kushina had mentioned she, along with Minato, Fugaku, and Mikoto, would be going to retrieve Itachi and would need to appoint an Interim-Hokage(A closet. He was hiding in a literal closet.). 

 

Once Kushina had finally managed to pry herself from her precious baby, the group of four left. The citizens of Konoha breathed a sigh of relief before they realized -  _ Orochimaru is the Hokage.  _ Then they began to panic. 

 

(The were a rather alarming number of people who were hospitalized since Kushina’s arrival to their time and ordered evacuation of the disaster shelters. Many of her acquaintances were rather glad that they could fall back on the Hokage’s gag order and avoid injury.) 

 

(Iruka, on the other hand, was suddenly very confused by a red-haired adult woman version of Naruto in the Hokage’s robes who he vaguely remembered as being named Kushina Uzumaki telling him that, “you’re one of the three best people in this crap village, y’know! And you’re going to help fix it!”

 

Iruka felt very nervous at that statement.)

 

(The Bests had moved in with their counterparts. They were getting along with various levels of success. The Yamanaka household was rather awkward with three egos that big. 

 

The Hyuuga Clan's house systems had been abolished and the Branch House had yet to stop partying and put their ass-sticks back in. Neji and Hiashi were both attached to Hisashi at the hip, to the point of almost starting a fight that caused Better Hiashi to faint. Hinata was clearly glad not to be the embarrassing one for once. She and Hanabi also kept giving their father rather judging looks for his treatment of Hinata.)

 

\-----

 

Three days later, leaving a town with a now demolished bath-house:

 

“How much does your sensei  _ weigh _ ?” Grunted an affronted Fugaku as he helped Minato drag an unconscious and seriously injured Jiraiya out of the town, after Kushina had incited a riot in the women’s bath in order to “teach him about peeping on women!”

 

Mikoto and Kushina, who had promptly continued off in the quest to find Itachi, were heading in the opposite direction. This was due to the fact Fugaku and Minato decided that Jiraiya should be in village right now, if only to watch the current events. 

 

“I don’t-” Minato was wheezing in what sounded suspiciously like laughter, “-know. It’s been a while.”

 

“Why are we even walking? You have the Hiraishin don’t you?” Grumbled an embarrassed Fugaku. Minato stopped both wheezing and walking, his entire face turning a glowing shade of red in embarrassment. 

 

“I didn’t think of that.”

 

“You didn’t -” The rest of Fugaku statement was cut off by the flash of the Hiraishin. This caused the vacationing and spying Iwa jounin to drop his milkshake and have a meltdown. His civilian wife was rather unimpressed, looking down at her husband where he was curled up on the ground.

 

\-----

 

Several hours later, at Konoha’s hospital:

 

After explaining to a once again conscious Jiraiya what was going on, from his placement on a bed next to the Sandaime, Minato and Fugaku nearly ran from the Hospital. 

 

“How are we going to catch up to the girls?” An out of breath Fugaku asked as they reached the gates, Minato grabbing his wrist. 

 

“I have a Hiraishin kunai on Kushina and -” Minato frowned suddenly. “Huh. There’s two of my kunai there, practically on top of each other. Oh well, I’ll just aim for the closer one.”

 

“The closer -”

 

\-----

 

In Akatsuki HQ:

 

Kushina and Mikoto had arrived shortly after Minato and Fugaku fled the Hospital. The headquarters were in chaos. Itachi stood off to the side, baffled, looking at the pardon that his godmother had shoved into his chest before hurtling towards a terrified Kakuzu at almost full speed. His mother had stood in front of him, looking sad and guilty before her eyes narrowed at Zetsu, from where he was trying to creep off. “You,” she snarled in a manner that had, last he heard it, came from himself after Shisui ate the last of his dango(It was all Shisui’s fault - really! Shisui had insisted he act like a normal kid and try some liquor and then Itachi may or may not have drank the whole bottle. A drunken Itachi apparently manifested the Uchiha Murder genes, along with the hair trigger temper).

 

“You’re that fucker that tried to steal my body and drag me underground that one time when I was almost unconscious!” Mikoto continued, her eyes evolving into the - Mangekyo Sharingan?! Where did she get that? Then what she had said caught up to all members of the Akatsuki present - which was everyone minus Kakuzu, who had run away, and Hidan, who clearly thought the crazy red-head would be a great Jashinist. 

  
  


The rest of the Akatsuki, who had realized that a.) the crazy red-head was the infamous Kushina Uzumaki and b.) the lady with her was Mikoto Uchiha, Itachi’s mother, had - prior to that sentence - been hesitantly planning escape routes. However, at the utterance of that sentence, they couldn’t help but pause. Then, Tobito - who had been slowly inching forward to attack Mikoto - paused and, in a voice that insisted argumentation was not-to-be-done, coldly stated, “What.”

 

Then, three things happened in very quick succession: 1. Mikoto set Zetsu on fire with Amaterasu. He was definitely not coming back from  _ that _ ; 2. Minato and Fugaku landed on Not-Madara in a flail of limbs; and 3. Minato windmilling arms and hands managed to somehow to yank off “Madara’s” mask.

 

This was followed promptly by a shocked and horrified, “Obito?” when Minato looked to see who he hit and apologize.

 

The room, other than the dying screams of Zetsu, was quiet enough a pin drop could be heard. 


End file.
